All Hail the Great White Sacred Rabbit!

For Key Center Writer's Group

Title: All Hail the Great White Sacred Rabbit!

Character: Garth Lor

Narrator: Walter Boyscout

Obstacle: A religious revival meeting

Garth Lor was a very religious man. I heard about how he liked to go to his religious revival meetings and act as an interpreter for people that spoke in tongues.

I never understood why people would believe that they were overcome with the "Spirit of the Lord" and talk in gibberish while others seemed to know what the hell they were talking about. Garth is one of those devout followers of this cultist group of people that meet in the house that's shaped like a pyramid at the end of Pharaoh Ln.

I suppose that you want to know who I am. I'm just an average weirdo that scratches his head while pondering what religion is all about. My name is Walter Boyscout and I'm a carpenter. No, I'm not like Jesus and I don't come from a virgin mother or feel the need to be a martyr and be crucified. I do, however, always feel troubled by the very mention of the word "church" and can feel this writhing sensation in my body when thinking about it. My Grammy says "It's because of the Devil! He's grabbed your soul and when you hear the Saviour's name, he writhes in repugnance and steers you towards sin, and women, and hookers, and sex, and drugs, and rock-n-roll. . . " and she gets on her pulpit and goes on and on and on. These sermons usually ends up about dirty pillows and diseases that make a man pee fire.

Garth, on the other hand, he seems to think that he is "next to godliness" and his diaper of life has no stains. I grew up with him and at one time we were even best friends. But something happened after we graduated from Broken Arrow High School and went to the University of New Mexico. He got involved with this group from a philosophy class and suddenly was worshiping rabbits while dressed as an Egyptian.

Garth was a smart man. He was a borderline genius, and when I learned of his conversion to Egytological Evangelist Lagamorph Saints Temple, I was scratching my head and pondering once again while the threads of my soul writhed in embarrassed agony.

"Walter, you have no idea how incredible our candle vigils are at temple," he told me excitedly after his first attendance of services. "Brother Cottonbottom was so inspiring at this service and Sister Beatrix Fuzzy Feet is such a gentle nun."

A struggled to hold back my laughter and bit my tongue, hard enough to hurt and draw a little blood. I had tears welling up in my eyes, and not from the pain, but from his sincerity.

"That's wonderful Garth, I think," I said in a robotic and strained voice.

"You don't believe me," he said in a saddened tone.

"I'm sure that whatever it is that you are doing in services must mean something to you, and what do I know of church, God, Jesus or rabbits and Egyptians anyway?" I stopped and thought about that sentence a moment. How strange this conversation is. "So, what can you tell me about the services or doctrine of your new found faith? I wasn't even aware that Egyptians had rabbits in hieroglyphs."

"Well, I can tell you that much of the sacred right is secret to outsiders, so you have to come to a service and only by invitation by Brother Cottonbottom." He looked at me with an alien burning stare and stiff grin. He had such a crazed look that it scared me enough to almost pee my pants a little.

"You know how absurd this is? How ridiculous you sound? I thought you were smarter than this Garth?" I brow beat him a little. I couldn't take much more of this stupidity. "Next think you know, they will be asking you to have your organs put in jars and they will embalm or mummify you."

"No, mummification is reserved for the hierarchy that has died of natural causes and in the presence of the large, white, sacred rabbit." He really tried to reassure me.

"Well, you won't catch me dead in a place like that, or wearing that ridiculous King Tut costume without underpants to go to those services!" I could hear people chuckling around us a little as the look of hurt shock spread across his grimacing face and he began to cry.