Gumball Machines Stole the Brains of
Our Politicians!
by Ivar Torkelson
We always just scoffed at Dad when he
would tell us that the gumball machines were all imperious leaders
from space, that the larger the machine, the higher the rank. When
you put a quarter into one of them and got a gumball, it was actually
a part of their brain and it would eventually make you succumb to
their mind control, all a part of an evil scheme for domination of
the human race as they steal our resources.
We laughed until his fantasy became a
reality during the most recent government shutdown. We were at a
local eatery that served a buffet of “Chinese” dishes mixed with
American deserts and confections when he opened a fortune cookie that
said “Borrow money from a pessimist—because they will never
expect it back.” It was like a sign from the mystical God of the
Universe! The government can't seem to get its act together on a
budget that doesn't require printing of more Monopoly money to pay
bills with and they “postponed” military and Border Patrol pay
checks. This, in turn, caused the military to take a holiday leaving
the unsuspecting American public ripe for total invasion!
If you are familiar with the famous
villains called the Daleks from the science fiction drama “Dr. Who”
then you would know something of these gumball machine menaces from
the Planet Mars. You would think that the Mars Pathfinder missions
would have seen these beings, but there is a lot of ground to cover
even on Mars, and they just haven't surveyed enough of the planet
yet. And the Gumball Menaces were not going to just come out and say
“Hello.”
Lord General Gremlack was the largest
of the Martian envoy machines to be stationed on Earth. He landed in
a corn field in the clandestine backyard of an Auburn, Washington
home, where he he met a young woman named Christine Gregoire. He
managed to help get her elected as Governor of Washington State in a
series of cleverly planned politcal campaigns and posts in exchange
for discretion during the invasion and for any help that she could
lend to them to make sure that they were evenly distributed in malls
and grocery stores all across the great Evergreen State.
Gregoire was part of a genetic cloning
vat experiment. Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Nancy Pelosi and
Gloria Allred also emerged from the cloning vat and were placed as
infants in the homes of their would be unsuspecting socialist
parents. Each had a pre-binary-programmed hidden agenda to bring
communist ideals to American government and sprinkle these laws with
sweet sugary toppings so the American public would agree blindly to
them. There were two bi-products from this cloning vat experiment and
they were named Maria Cantwell and Patty Murray. They were all, then,
forced to chew on lots of gumballs to ensure that their brains were
fully under Martian control.
“When you make your inaugural speech,
you will make no mention of us,” said Gremlack. “You will be
gracious and just use your important post in your dismal, pathetic
human society as a cover for our agenda. And if you do well, you will
be my favorite pet and live a life of comfort and luxury that you
could never have had on this miserable planet.”
They would bring about the “Left
Coast Idealism” scheme of government. It's all in the Second
Chapter of the “Martian Manefesto” published by Random House.
Mars isn't called the “Red Planet” for nothing. Ironically, the
Martian flag has a hammer and sickle on it on a field of red with the
moons of Dimos and Phobes in the center. They have great respect for
the effiencey of rule under Generals Mao and Chiang Kia-Shek.
“Yes my lord.” said Gregoire in her
native Martian tongue as she smiled and chuckled manically. She kind
of had a “Mr. Burns” sneer and glare as she rubbed her hands
together and thought of Washington citizens paying her taxes for her
frivolous money squandering schemes. “And I shall make many
minions.”
“Yes, and I shall usher in a new era
of bloated government that wastes all resources and facilitates our
invasion forces. And before anyone realizes what has happened, we
will have crippled you all from within through pork barrel spending
and corruption!” Gremlack just roared with diabolical laughter.
“Mua ha ha ha ha ha!”
With a swine-like squeal of delight,
Gregoire graciously assumed her newly appointed position of
authoritarian power. She was disappointed that it did not come with a
scepter of magic that threw bolts of lightning. But, she can have one
of her minions earmark some funds for a secret project that will
create such a scepter and she would like to have it throw blue
lightning—sure to create fear among her constituency.
“I would like to thank all the little
people that have helped in my campaign to get me here and this
momentous occasion. I will do all I can to make this state the
greatest state in the United States. All other states, including
Washington D.C. Looks to us to model their laws after our example!”
and the crowd blindly cheered as the rest of Eastern Washington made
plans for succession.
And so Gremlack sent word to Mars and
the multitude of gumball machines began funneling into the malls and
grocery stores of Washington. All the while they were transmitting
subliminal messages through AM talk radio shows beaming from stations
in Seattle. They were messages that bolstered the mind control
through gumballs chewed all across the Puget Sound. The weak minded
were even compelled to pick up the ABC gum (all ready been chewed)
found on sidewalks and underneath school desks. They would make great
Olympia politicians—easily controlled and corrupted—and would
create new taxes and laws without representation of the people they
intended to be affected.
In other states all across America,
similar machines were distributed, but only enough to create
plausible deniability and deflect any scrutiny among conspiracy
theorists that might have figured out the Martian Plan—not to be
confused by the Marshall Plan however similar they might be to one
another on paper. But if you circle every third, forth and sixth
letter of the Marshall plan, it translates directly into Martian
through the use of an electronic Rubic's Cube and spells out the
10,000 Martian Commandments that they intend to rule humans with once
the invasion is complete.
Dino Rossi was forced to concede to
Gregoire under the threat of having his brain eaten by zombies, even
though he found out that dead people and felons were voting for her.
He was not blind to the fact that zombies were coming into the polls
and casting their votes. But if he was to make mention of this fact
that only he was aware of, he was afraid that people would not
believe him. He also learned that Randy Newman, that famous song
writer that wrote the theme song “It's a Jungle Out There” for
the “Monk” television series, was also working under the mind
control of Martians—that is just a random fact.
Strangely enough, the zombies returned
to their tombs after the voting was over, only to return four years
later and do it all again. They weren't even interested in brains
because even zombier know better than to eat from those infected by
Martian mind control. Now you know why there is this dubious interest
in zombies in television and pop-culture over the last few years. It
all has to do with the subliminal messages beamed in AM talk
radio—which has since been simulcasted on the more popularly and
widely used FM band.
There are so many symbiotic
relationships that the Martian Gumball Army (MGA) has interwoven into
human government and it's constituency. So many, that there are too
many to account for in this short story, but after Gregoire's second
term as Imperious Leader of Washington State, er I meant, Governor,
she was hand picked to head up a budgetary committee by the
not-so-popular-but-by-some-miracle-elected President Obama.
And so the smoke screens often used to
fog American's and give them false assumptions as to what was a
higher priority were not limited to but listed as follows: Gun
Control, Gay Marriage, Obama Care, Zombie Response Teams, Middle
Eastern Conflict, The War on Terror (Not to be confused by Halloween
Parties or Fun Houses), and the War on Drugs. All of these things
were to hide the true issue of the economy bringing about the
government shut down that would then usher in the NWO (New World
Order) headed by the MGA which would then bring about Martian
domination of Earth.
Now that you have read this story, what
are you going to do with this information? I know that I have blown
the cover of the Martian's imminent invasion so I have opted to use
my pen name of “Ivar Torkelson” to avoid being captured and
having my brain blended and sipped through a straw by Lord General
Gremlack. Be weary of gumball machines. They know what's up and they
will take over your brain. Whatever you do, don't acknowledge who
they are as they will surely enslave you and make you do their
bidding. They already have control of all levels of government!
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